Thoughts

Sometimes I do feel the urge of wanting to have you by my side. Sometimes I don't even give a damn about you. You're constantly in my mind. Everytime I wakes up 1st thing on my mind is you.

I don't know what this is I'm still figuring it out. Maybe because I'm so close with you.

I don't know why I have this weird feelings that I'm afraid of losing you to someone else. Although I know that I'm outta your league.

What's confirm is I'm not in love. Just to be clear. I'm so not in love but there is something going on. I hate when it comes to this cause I hate having mixed feelings to unsure things. I'm still terrified and pretty much traumatized.

I hate going through the same shitty cycle over and over again. I hope this is nothing to be concern about though. LATER~

Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

That...

Am I living in denial? I told everyone of how it doesn't effects me but truth to be told it does. It really does effects me. I know its ridiculous but maybe because its just the "in the moment" thing.

Although I look so fine but I just can't get it off my head. Its like a disease that stuck in my mind. Like a tumor in my brain. I know how risky it is. I know what I'm facing is gonna a huge effects to me one day but still I don't want to let it go.

People kept telling me the same thing. They kept reminding me of the consequences that I might face later. I know. In fact, I do feel the the awkwardness right now. I admit it that I do feel the urge of wanting more but I know its useless.

I know what I'm dealing now ain't easy. I know how complicated it is. But god knows why I'm convincing myself that everything is going to be okay. I should stop thinking about it but I can't. I'm weak. I think about it everyday.

Now I'm confused. Literally don't know where do I stand in this situation. The past have thought me so much. Rejection is really the pain in the ass. Probably I should just see where is this taking me. I should hide my feelings. I should not lose my guarded heart.

I can't afford to feel the pain. And I know how the end will be already. I should prepare to accept the worst.

LATER~

Something

Aku bukan tak sayang kekawan aku. Aku sayang dorang tu. Tapi semua orang ada tahap kesabarannya juga kan? Sama juga dengan relationship, friendship perlukan compromising. Tolak ansur. Give and take. Tapi kalau dah aku je yang sabar. Kalau aku je yang telan semua menda tak cantik gak la. Maybe I pampered them too much. Ikot kan sangat apa yang dorang nak sebab nak jaga hati.

Aku tak cakap aku baik. Aku tak cakap aku tak de buat salah. Aku manusia biasa juga. Im human being. Aku pun ada perasaan juga. Kalau nak orang jaga perasaan kita kita pun kena la jaga perasaan orang lain. Nak orang bagi perhatian kat kita kita pun kena bagi perhatian kat orang. It doesnt work in one way. It only work in both ways. Mane boleh selfish.

Ye semua orang deserve second chance. But I've given you plenty. Too many. I've lost my patience. I've even told you the problem is. Once aku dah fed up memang susah nak cool down.

Memang la kita semua kena accept baik buruk orang. Terima orang tu seadanya. Aku pun ada perangai teroknya. Kalau aku buat salah memang aku mengharap orang tegur aku sebab aku tak akan sedar apa yang aku buat. Tapi ni susah aku nak terima.

Now you can see the ugly side of me. I've told my friends before I can be nice to you if you treat me good but if you treat me like a piece of shit then you'll lose me. All I want is the old you.

Kalau dorang sayang aku dorang akan berubah. Aku mintak 1 je ubah perangai. Tak banyak pun aku mintak. Its either you change for better or consider you lose me for good. Aku dah nekad. FULLSTOP.

Jadi renung renungkan la apa yang aku cuba sampaikan ni sebab aku tau mesti ada yang akan sampai kan kat beliau.

LATER~