Walau

Walaupun berat hati untuk melepaskan tapi aku tau ini jalan yang paling baik untuk aku.

Walaupun aku tahu aku akan merindui kau tapi lambat laun aku akan berjaya melupakan kau.

Walaupun kadang kadang aku ada rasa nak cari dan bagitau betapa rindunya aku kat kau aku kena tabahkan hati supaya elak semua itu.

Walaupun aku tau kau bukan yang terbaik untuk aku tapi hati aku masih belum boleh melupakan kau.

Sent from my iPhone

Not over you

"Damn. Damn boy you do it well, And I thought you were innocent, Took this heart ans put it through hell, But still you're magnificent"

- Gavin Degraw

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Difficult

I've gotta say,
It's really difficult to get over it,
This time it is much harder.

I've tried to distract myself,
Nothing seems to work,
I kept reminiscing all the memories.

I expected this to happen,
I didn't expect it would be this hard,
I seriously can't get over you.

I'm trying my hardest to get over you,
I'm trying not to get frustrated,
I'm trying to be happy instead

I don't know what else I should do,
Everything seems to remind me of you,
I hate this feeling I'm having.

I really need time to process all this,
I don't think I can ever let myself like anyone anymore,
I'm serious in pain right now.

I need to get over you,
Maybe not now,
Eventually.

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Intuition

When you know something isn't right you have to believe in what you believe.

I knew that I will go through it again but thank god this time I was fully prepared.

I saw it coming,
I felt it,
I tried to think positive,
And turned out I was right after all.

To be frank, I don't want it to end up like this.

But I can't force what's fate and I don't know why I keep on seeing the same guy all over again.

I mean really, where is all the good guy?
Where are they hiding?

This time I give up,
Maybe love isn't my thing.

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Uncertain

Part of me are terrified
Telling me that I should stop while I can

Part of me are telling me to go for it
Telling me that I should try and see how it goes

My mind and my heart are in a constant battle.

I don't know which one should I listen to anymore.

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Don't know

I don't know what we are
I tried to not to think about it
But I can't help to overthink

Probably cause of what happened in the past

I gotta admit my past is haunting me
I am afraid of losing you
I doubt my decisions

I am scared of giving all in
I am terrified to break my walls
I really want you

I want you to be all mine
But I am afraid you don't
And that I'm just your second option.

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Choices

I hate it when I doubt myself
When I think about the decisions I've made

Is it wrong or is it right?

I don't want to keep on repeating the god damn same mistakes I've made
But I'm just a human
A human who can't escape from making a mistake

I need to keep on reminding myself that it's okay to make mistakes

Why do I feel like making mistakes is the dumbest thing in the world?
I should rethink and start accepting mistakes as a lesson
I mean really without making any mistakes would I be this strong?

Would I be where I am today without making any mistakes?

Fear

I fear of falling when I know no one will catches me.

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Never crosses my mind

One thing for sure,
Marriage have never ever crossed my mind,
I'm one of those person who are terrified of settling down.

For me it is not important,
Atleast for now,
I want to enjoy my life while I can.

Maybe when I've finally found my soulmate then I'll think about it.

As for now,
It ain't important.

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Flaws

Whenever I look myself in the mirror,

You know what I see?

Flaws.

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Adore

I like how cheeky you are to me,
I like how happy you made me feel.

I love how excited you when you tell me a story,
I love how protective you are to me.

I don't know what spell you put me into but I can't help to smile like an idiot whenever you talk to me.

I really really adore you.

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Understanding

Finally we both have told each other the truth about how we felt.

I'm glad to hear that you're afraid of losing me as much as I do.

Well feelings are defintely mutual.

Insecurities, hesitation, and being afraid of what might happen is covering our mind.

I definitely wouldn't want to lose you.

You're too precious for me to let go of.

I hope we won't screw things up cause honestly someone like you are hard to find.

I like the idea of taking things slow and not rush into things.

I like how mature we are of handling this together.

I hope you'll stay forever and this time around I don't have to worry about searching for someone new.

I think you're the perfect guy to be my Nick Miller.

Sent from my iPhone

Hey Youuuu

We're getting closer,
I can't deny there is definitely chemistry between us.

You give me butterflies in my stomach when I'm with you,
I don't know why but you made me feel happy every time I'm with you.

I can't stop thinking about you,
You're all I can ever think of these days.

You treated me differently,
I've never met anyone quite like you.

You noticed every single thing about me,
Especially the little things.

I can't believe how well you know me in such a short time,
Or maybe I am that visible.

No other guy had made me feel like this before,
No one has ever noticed the way that you did.

I appreciate it,
I feel appreciated and special.

You made me feel special like I'm the luckiest girl in the world,
I'm surprised how mature you are.

I feel safe when I'm with you,
I can't describe how I feel but it is a lot and I don't know how to express it any further.

Like

Correct me if I'm wrong,
I could definitely feel a strong connection between us,
I know you could feel it as well,

I'm torn between should I be frank or not,
My past says that I might jeopardize our friendship,
My heart says that I should just go for it,

I don't want to lose you,
Thoughts of I might lose you forever kills me,
But thoughts of having a "What if" kills me more.


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Something

It grew.
Feelings grew.
My feelings towards you are getting stronger and stronger.

I'm terrified.
Terrified of what will happen.
The idea of losing you scares me.

My past are haunting me.
I'm afraid that history will repeat again like how it used to.
I don't want the same thing to happen again.

I want you.
I do.
I just don't know how to tell you.


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You

I like being with you because you get me

I feel like I can talk to you about anything

I know you won't judge me like others

You'll listen and laugh to every single words I'm telling you.

You make me feel comfortable talking about anything.

We both gets each other.

I hope you know how happy I am when you're around.

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Time

The time we spent together are precious.

Not spending the time together with you kills me.

My mind wanders searching to find you.

Hoping that you'll always spending time with me.

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Terrified

I know I shouldn't explore what I felt.
I know there's consequences if I do.
I know I will jeopardize our friendship.
I know I might lose you.

I like what we're having right now but it kills me to have to accept just being friends with you.

I can't help of wanting more and I know I shouldn't.

Everytime I'm with you I have this urge of telling you how I really feel but the uncertainty is killing me.

I can't stop thinking about you and I know its bad, Damn bad.

Bloody hell!
I told myself several times not to get attached again and here I am feeling so vulnerable.

Uncertainty is terrifying.
Needing to find the answer is tiresome.

Sent from my iPhone

Want!!!

ich wollte dich küssen so schlecht!!

My everyday thoughts.

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Dilemma

I think I need a change.
But the problem is I'm afraid of changing.

Why?
Because I have to get use to the new thing(s).

My biggest problem is when I get too comfortable with something I don't want it to change.

Does that make sense to you?

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Thoughts

TBH, I afraid of feeling.
Especially when I realized I have feelings towards someone.
It's tiring to have a constant battle in my mind about avoiding it.

Yes.
I am paranoid.
And yes.
It was because of what I've experienced before.

Ya know.
Sometimes I wish I would never have to feel.
Anything.

Confession

Okay truth to be told.
Lately I've been having a constant battle between what I feel and what I think I feel.
So yeah, I've come to a conclusion that I might tiny lil bit like someone.

I don't know how, I don't know when but that's the whole truth.
TBH, I'm freaking out cause it's terrifying!
I'm still paranoid about it though.
Ya know? After all what had happened recently and previously.

Hmh, IDK.
I'm not hoping anything to happen though.
I'm just saying that I like him.
We'll see how it turns out then.

A good result or a bad decision?

Recent update

I haven't been writing for so long.

So my recent update(s) are as follow ;-

• I recently got a job which i love so much.
• I gained hell load of weight.
• I've finished Hunger Games trilogy (will elaborate more afterward)
• I realized I'm obsessed with Jennifer Lawrence.

So yeah my new job. How do I even start describing it. Well basically, I'm in the entertainment industry (shocker). My responsibility is to write a script and research for an interesting topics for a talkshow. Thank god I major in broadcasting so I can do the work without any major  difficulties.

The talkshow is indeed in Bahasa and yes at first I struggle on writing in Bahasa because I haven't been writing in Bahasa for ages! I mean proper Bahasa not Manglish and what not. And as expected they were so many errors. Yes yes I am ashamed of it of course.

Another reason why I love my job is because of the flexible timeframe of my work load. See, I don't have to sit at office everyday, I can write at home or any where as long as there's an internet connection. How cool right? And not to mention I get to travel around for free.

Now, about gaining weight. I don't know how I gained a lot of weight though. Prolly because of accessive sleep and lack of movements. So I think my metabolism is down low right now and I'm too lazy to exercise these days. LOL

And finally, a lil comment about Hunger Games trilogy.

Okay TBH, the ending was very disappointing and believe me you'll feel the same way if you finish reading it. I read lotsa review and they said the same thing.

I did expected more from the story but at the end it was predictable and boring. I thought it should be more brutal and dramatic. I really think that the 3rd book is unnecessary and too draggy. I hope the movie is much more fascinating and captivating.

FYI: don't forget to watch the 2nd movie of Hunger Games; Catching Fire, this November.

Book waiting to be read

Books I've read so far

Books I've read from December 2012 until January 2013 and I highly recommended you must read all of it. Very well written books.

(Daddy) Written by Sylvia Plath

You do not do, you do not do Any more, black shoe In which I have lived like a foot For thirty years, poor and white, Barely daring to breathe or Achoo. Daddy, I have had to kill you. You died before I had time-- Marble-heavy, a bag full of God, Ghastly statue with one gray toe Big as a Frisco seal And a head in the freakish Atlantic Where it pours bean green over blue In the waters off beautiful Nauset. I used to pray to recover you. Ach, du. In the German tongue, in the Polish town Scraped flat by the roller Of wars, wars, wars. But the name of the town is common. My Polack friend Says there are a dozen or two. So I never could tell where you Put your foot, your root, I never could talk to you. The tongue stuck in my jaw. It stuck in a barb wire snare. Ich, ich, ich, ich, I could hardly speak. I thought every German was you. And the language obscene An engine, an engine Chuffing me off like a Jew. A Jew to Dachau, Auschwitz, Belsen. I began to talk like a Jew. I think I may well be a Jew. The snows of the Tyrol, the clear beer of Vienna Are not very pure or true. With my gipsy ancestress and my weird luck And my Taroc pack and my Taroc pack I may be a bit of a Jew. I have always been scared of you, With your Luftwaffe, your gobbledygoo. And your neat mustache And your Aryan eye, bright blue. Panzer-man, panzer-man, O You-- Not God but a swastika So black no sky could squeak through. Every woman adores a Fascist, The boot in the face, the brute Brute heart of a brute like you. You stand at the blackboard, daddy, In the picture I have of you, A cleft in your chin instead of your foot But no less a devil for that, no not Any less the black man who Bit my pretty red heart in two. I was ten when they buried you. At twenty I tried to die And get back, back, back to you. I thought even the bones would do. But they pulled me out of the sack, And they stuck me together with glue. And then I knew what to do. I made a model of you, A man in black with a Meinkampf look And a love of the rack and the screw. And I said I do, I do. So daddy, I'm finally through. The black telephone's off at the root, The voices just can't worm through. If I've killed one man, I've killed two-- The vampire who said he was you And drank my blood for a year, Seven years, if you want to know. Daddy, you can lie back now. There's a stake in your fat black heart And the villagers never liked you. They are dancing and stamping on you. They always knew it was you. Daddy, daddy, you bastard, I'm through.

Haunting

I know people said that in order for you to move on is to forgive what has been holding you up.

Quite frankly, it's hard.

I know I have to forgive him 

I know I have to be genuinely forgiven him.

But I can't.

What he did is unacceptable, unforgivable, and despicable.

Ever since I've received his text about how sorry he was I just can't stop thinking about the awful thing he did to me.

It is painful and I do feel like he's no sincere enough to seek for forgiveness.

Every night I think about how much it hurts me.

Every day of my life it haunts me how terrified I am to ever give someone else a chance.

I don't believe in it, I've lost my faith in it completely.

I know I have to forgive him eventually.

I want a peace of mind.

I want to be able to not being afraid again.

I'm still waiting for time to finally forgiving him.

It's hard for me to forgive him when he keeps popping out unnoticed.

Whenever I think about it it made me angry and reminiscent of the pain i felt before.