I never knew it would be this tough. I never knew I would be this heart broken. I've never been this weak before seriously I wouldn't let myself be this weak. This time its different. I can't control myself I can't control my emotions.
I saw him yesterday. I thought I was strong enough to act as if I'm okay. Hell no I was wrong. My heart pounded so fast as if I was running for 400m relay. Clearly at that point I said to myself "I wasn't ready" "I can't do this" "its too soon". Guess what missy? its too late to run away.
My face was turning pale. I was stunned. I can't even look at him. Its so painful every bits of memories just all of sudden haunt me. I wanted to run but I can't. My friends doesn't know how much he has effected me. They didn't know how broken I was. They didn't know how massive the pain I was feeling.
Its sad how we used to so close and yesterday it seems like we're a total stranger. I missed so much. I would die just to hug him for the last time but I don't want to embarrassed myself. I have my pride. I have my ego. Just by listening his voice it tears me apart.
He's so close to me but I feel like we're 10 thousand miles away from each other. It was a mistake. I shouldn't have come. I should have told my friends that it really bothers me. I was okay few days before after yesterday I suddenly became weak again. All the memories came back to me.
Tell me how to forget him. Tell me why is it so hard to get rid of him from my mind? I want to be happy. I know I can but why is it so difficult? Why does I feel suffocated whenever I have him in my mind? I don't know how to describe how broken I am right now. I don't know how to make people understand my situation. I don't have anyone to listen to my stupid stories. I know they will get tired of hearing it. I rather kept it inside me.
I don't know how long will it takes me to recover. Frankly, sometimes I cry myself to sleep whenever the memories haunt me. Especially the last word he said to me. How he ended it just simply by texting me.
Maybe I haven't been my heart broken like this before. Maybe I fallen so bad. When I broke up with my ex of 3 years it isn't this bad. Maybe because I was the one who's living.
I wonder if he knew how broken I was. I wonder if he feels guilty whenever he smiles and I was here trying myself to stand when I was fallen so bad to the ground. I wonder does he feels happy when he went out with other girls while I'm here being so afraid of going out with other guys?sigh.
I know what you're thinking. I need to keep myself together. I need to be strong. I need to let him go. I need to face the reality that he left. I know. How I wish its that simple. How I wish I have that will power to do so. Its killing me inside. Its ripping off my veins.
Dear God, please give me strength to keep me moving forward in my life. I need to stay focus on my future and succeed on my life. I can do this I know I can. I need some moral support but I don't who I can rely on anymore. I don't want to burden my friends cause this is my own mess not theirs. My mess I have to fix it all by myself.
Lessons learned. I have to stay away from him. I have to stop thinking about him. I have to stop having this tiny thoughts that I still have a lil chance for this to happen. It clearly doesn't. I have to make myself busy. I have to be positive and strong like I was before. If I was happy before I met him why can't I be happy when he left? He's not the key to my happiness. I set my own happiness no one does. I can do this. Pray for me people. AMIN.
LATER~
I saw him yesterday. I thought I was strong enough to act as if I'm okay. Hell no I was wrong. My heart pounded so fast as if I was running for 400m relay. Clearly at that point I said to myself "I wasn't ready" "I can't do this" "its too soon". Guess what missy? its too late to run away.
My face was turning pale. I was stunned. I can't even look at him. Its so painful every bits of memories just all of sudden haunt me. I wanted to run but I can't. My friends doesn't know how much he has effected me. They didn't know how broken I was. They didn't know how massive the pain I was feeling.
Its sad how we used to so close and yesterday it seems like we're a total stranger. I missed so much. I would die just to hug him for the last time but I don't want to embarrassed myself. I have my pride. I have my ego. Just by listening his voice it tears me apart.
He's so close to me but I feel like we're 10 thousand miles away from each other. It was a mistake. I shouldn't have come. I should have told my friends that it really bothers me. I was okay few days before after yesterday I suddenly became weak again. All the memories came back to me.
Tell me how to forget him. Tell me why is it so hard to get rid of him from my mind? I want to be happy. I know I can but why is it so difficult? Why does I feel suffocated whenever I have him in my mind? I don't know how to describe how broken I am right now. I don't know how to make people understand my situation. I don't have anyone to listen to my stupid stories. I know they will get tired of hearing it. I rather kept it inside me.
I don't know how long will it takes me to recover. Frankly, sometimes I cry myself to sleep whenever the memories haunt me. Especially the last word he said to me. How he ended it just simply by texting me.
Maybe I haven't been my heart broken like this before. Maybe I fallen so bad. When I broke up with my ex of 3 years it isn't this bad. Maybe because I was the one who's living.
I wonder if he knew how broken I was. I wonder if he feels guilty whenever he smiles and I was here trying myself to stand when I was fallen so bad to the ground. I wonder does he feels happy when he went out with other girls while I'm here being so afraid of going out with other guys?sigh.
I know what you're thinking. I need to keep myself together. I need to be strong. I need to let him go. I need to face the reality that he left. I know. How I wish its that simple. How I wish I have that will power to do so. Its killing me inside. Its ripping off my veins.
Dear God, please give me strength to keep me moving forward in my life. I need to stay focus on my future and succeed on my life. I can do this I know I can. I need some moral support but I don't who I can rely on anymore. I don't want to burden my friends cause this is my own mess not theirs. My mess I have to fix it all by myself.
Lessons learned. I have to stay away from him. I have to stop thinking about him. I have to stop having this tiny thoughts that I still have a lil chance for this to happen. It clearly doesn't. I have to make myself busy. I have to be positive and strong like I was before. If I was happy before I met him why can't I be happy when he left? He's not the key to my happiness. I set my own happiness no one does. I can do this. Pray for me people. AMIN.
LATER~
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